A trembling feeling runs through your skin every time you hear the phone ringing. Its that familiar voice on the other side that scares you because of the poisoned words you are about to hear.

So you are not answering that phone call to that monster anymore who repeats that old narrative engrained many years ago through your skin that it was your fault to be hurt. The monster says it was your fault to end up in such a bad place in life. It is a new voice on the phone, a new character, a new person in the present time resembling the voice of a past caregiver, parent, adult during your childhood years asserting the fault, the lack, the how you messed up. It is a voice that makes you feel defeated, on your knees. A voice that injures, that hurts, that yells, that swears, that makes you believe you deserve such bad treatment.

That voice gets through your ears all the way through your cells, your brain and soul. It breaks parts you thought were whole. It creates sorrow, pain, insanity. You won’t pick up that phone call anymore.

You won’t pick up the phone because that voice is there to repeat itself like a broken record. Every time you pick up the phone hoping they have reflected and redeemed you from what they thought were your sins, you realize the voice and the message have not changed. The voice is unforgiving for sins still unclear. You are paying for crimes you did not commit twenty times more than what you deserved. So, you start believing in your own badness.

You won’t pick up the phone to that monster in your present life and either visit the caregivers from your past who repeated the same exact words as the monster today…caregivers who once swore to provide love and care, but deeply believed you had bad seeds within. And you then ventured into life believing in your own badness and found people, monsters, who would reaffirm your brokenness. Take note and don’t visit as often. You won’t pick up the phone for a heartbreak. They talk to you disconnected from reality seeing you as who you are not….as if you were a monster with toxic tentacles. They do not know yet they are seeing the broken parts of themselves in you. They refer to you as a monster because of the unhealed hatred they carry within. You are not that monster and have never been. Pick the phone only to those who call you to affirm you are enough, you are worthy and already whole. You won’t answer that phone call anymore for a heartbreak. You are free.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash